It’s been a pretty intense week on the working Mom front, for me…and I haven’t even been camping.
Har. Har. I know. I’ll stop making jokes at random hours of the morning.
Roree has been sick with a nasty cold since the weekend. Runny nose and a bad wet cough. I keep dreading a fever that hasn’t shown up yet, but so far she has been in good spirits considering she must be feeling miserable.
She nursed like a newborn all weekend and I felt so guilty having to go to work on Monday when I’m sure she wanted to nurse all day then, too. Since my sister was working and poor Olive was still sick, too, JT had to stay home from work to watch her.
Honestly, the most stressful part of my job is childcare.
Because of the runny nose and coughing fits, it has been difficult for her to sleep…which has made it difficult for me to sleep. She has been restless and waking often. Ive been putting doTERRA Breathe on her and using a cool mist humidifier, which helps, but hasn’t gotten rid of the symptoms completely.
Needless to say, sleep has been a distant dream. Pun not really intended.
I’ve been busy at work as well, all enjoyable things, but I knew that due to childcare issues this week, and lack of sleep, it has been more worry some than usual.
I also have been struggling with inevitable mommy guilt over having to work and be away from her when I know that all she wants is me. Especially when she is sick. And knowing the best thing for her is to nurse as much as possible…it makes me wish I could be two places at once.
I keep forgetting how much I NEED this job to provide for my family. Mostly because I like it so much, it seems like I’m doing it just for funsies. But, really, it is so very necessary. (Thanks Student Loans!)
I’m lucky that they are somewhat flexible and understanding about parenting issues. I am able to work from home today since I don’t have childcare and JT is running low on vacation days.
I am also lucky that Roree lets me work much better than she used to. She has gotten so much better at occupying herself lately.
Another issue is the mindset I tend to get into when she is sick. Like it is all on me and I have absolutely no help. Throughout my parenthood journey, I’d never once felt scared and alone, because I have my family and JT, but for some reason when Roree is sick, I feel very much that way. Like I am the only one who can do anything to help (which is only partially true) and that no one else worries as much as I do about her, about me if I get sick, about childcare, about work… While Roree is having coughing fits and struggling to nurse at night it is very hard for me not to resent JT with his ear plugs and pillow over his head.
Logically, I understand there isn’t really anything he can do, but the bitter part of me wants him to be the one to deal with it.
Even if he could do something…like rock her or rub her back to try to get her to sleep, I know I wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway unless she was, so it may as well be me. Right? Right.
Right now it is 2:39am and Roree is sleeping MUCH better tonight…yet I am wide awake, despite my exhaustion. I keep thinking of things to do and keep having thoughts swirling in my head. I wrote a poem, I made a to do list for tomorrow and now I’m blogging so the swirling thoughts can swirl somewhere else.
And now, attempt #2848473 to go to sleep. Wish me luck!