It’s been a pretty intense week on the working Mom front, for me…and I haven’t even been camping.
Har. Har. I know. I’ll stop making jokes at random hours of the morning.
Roree has been sick with a nasty cold since the weekend. Runny nose and a bad wet cough. I keep dreading a fever that hasn’t shown up yet, but so far she has been in good spirits considering she must be feeling miserable.
She nursed like a newborn all weekend and I felt so guilty having to go to work on Monday when I’m sure she wanted to nurse all day then, too. Since my sister was working and poor Olive was still sick, too, JT had to stay home from work to watch her.
Honestly, the most stressful part of my job is childcare.
Because of the runny nose and coughing fits, it has been difficult for her to sleep…which has made it difficult for me to sleep. She has been restless and waking often. Ive been putting doTERRA Breathe on her and using a cool mist humidifier, which helps, but hasn’t gotten rid of the symptoms completely.
Needless to say, sleep has been a distant dream. Pun not really intended.
I’ve been busy at work as well, all enjoyable things, but I knew that due to childcare issues this week, and lack of sleep, it has been more worry some than usual.
I also have been struggling with inevitable mommy guilt over having to work and be away from her when I know that all she wants is me. Especially when she is sick. And knowing the best thing for her is to nurse as much as possible…it makes me wish I could be two places at once.
I keep forgetting how much I NEED this job to provide for my family. Mostly because I like it so much, it seems like I’m doing it just for funsies. But, really, it is so very necessary. (Thanks Student Loans!)
I’m lucky that they are somewhat flexible and understanding about parenting issues. I am able to work from home today since I don’t have childcare and JT is running low on vacation days.
I am also lucky that Roree lets me work much better than she used to. She has gotten so much better at occupying herself lately.
Another issue is the mindset I tend to get into when she is sick. Like it is all on me and I have absolutely no help. Throughout my parenthood journey, I’d never once felt scared and alone, because I have my family and JT, but for some reason when Roree is sick, I feel very much that way. Like I am the only one who can do anything to help (which is only partially true) and that no one else worries as much as I do about her, about me if I get sick, about childcare, about work… While Roree is having coughing fits and struggling to nurse at night it is very hard for me not to resent JT with his ear plugs and pillow over his head.
Logically, I understand there isn’t really anything he can do, but the bitter part of me wants him to be the one to deal with it.
Even if he could do something…like rock her or rub her back to try to get her to sleep, I know I wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway unless she was, so it may as well be me. Right? Right.
Right now it is 2:39am and Roree is sleeping MUCH better tonight…yet I am wide awake, despite my exhaustion. I keep thinking of things to do and keep having thoughts swirling in my head. I wrote a poem, I made a to do list for tomorrow and now I’m blogging so the swirling thoughts can swirl somewhere else.
And now, attempt #2848473 to go to sleep. Wish me luck!
I have a confession…I’m a teensy, tiny bit obsessive.
This is a trait I have inherited from my mother who has an entire room in her house dedicated to Beethoven.
But…I am not ashamed. In fact, I have learned to embrace my obsessive nature by posting about the things I currently heart.
So, without further ado, here is my list of things I currently heart (in no particular order):
One of the many wonderful things about my job is how close it is to my sister’s job. We often meet for lunch, but we are also able to car pool together. As we often do, we abbreviated the term to “c’pool” for no good reason. Every Friday we take turns driving and we hit up Sbux before heading in to work. I order my algae latte, she orders her wimp temp beverage of choice. There was one Friday that we had to ride separately from one another and saw each other on the road…we proceeded to put our hands up to our windows and cry.
Because I am 12, I get obsessed with these flippin CW shows. It is ridiculously embarrassing, but there. I said it. I watch and love Beauty and the Beast. When I first saw previews for the show, I rolled my eyes and secretly hates it because the “beast” seemed to have only a slight scar, but was otherwise attractive. I grew up with my mom watching the original in which Vincent was all beast all the time. I felt this was just another TV show that had far too many good looking people in it for it to be realistic. Alas, when Season 1 appeared on Netflix, I started watching and immediately became obsessed. Of course, I had to drag my sister into my obsession so I wouldn’t have to endure it alone. She Noe blames me for the hell Season 2 is putting us through. (Why, Vincent, why???)
Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like the beautiful sounds of Nsync’s Home for Christmas album to a 90′s kid. Much to the dismay of JT, I’ve been rocking out to this album since Thanksgiving. I can’t even tell you the intense excitement I have when it is finally appropriate to start listening to the album. Anytime I hear Nsync or see Justin Timberlake, I get this nostalgia…the kind you would get when remembering happy times you had with an ex boyfriend…probably because I spent most of the 90′s pretending JRT was my boyfriend. But now, instead of my initials being BLT as I always hoped, I married a different JT…
Ok, I have to get some cred for being obsessed with BBC’s Sherlock and Benedict Cumberbatch (who has the most epic name, ever). I started watching the show a couple years ago, but only recently discovered Season 2 was on Netflix. I may watch CW shows, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have a special place in my heart for shows that don’t underestimate the audience’s intelligence. Also… b.cumb…swoon.
I want to add that I almost put the Hobbit trailer as an obsession simply for B.Cumb’s voice as Smaug, but I didn’t… Sort of. It isn’t bolded at least!
So, those are my top obsessions for the time being. I do not doubt that new ones will surface in the near future, thus prompting a new post soon.
In the mean time, I’m going to try to scribble in my written journal for a bit until sleep overtakes me…which won’t be long, I’m sure. It is 8:30pm after all…waaay past my bedtime
This is me peeking up from the edge of the Earth where I dropped off.
Did you miss me?
Though I recently updated for Thanksgiving, I thought it’d be a good idea to attempt to post a bit more regularly in an attempt to refine my time management skills.
I’ve been going to bed lately at around 7pm every night like the apparent 90 year old that I am. It is Roree’s bedtime and since I nurse her to sleep (and tend to be tired by that time anyway) I just stay in bed. I do admit that sometimes I actually do fall asleep right away, but most of the time I stay up and read blogs or a book or watch something on Netflix via my phone. My goal is to be a tad more productive as I lay in bed, so here I am writing a blog post. I’m hoping to use this time to either blog, read or write in my journal. We’ll see how it goes. I foresee some major goal-mapping in my future.
In any case as most may know, I started a new full time position that I’m absolutely in love with. After being burned… I mean… laid off of my last full time job, I have this constant fear in my gut that at any moment someone is going to pinch me and I’m going to wake up from my dream job. The bright side of that consistent unease is that I am very conscious of the impermanence of everything… I appreciate it more, I don’t let things get to me nearly as much and I don’t take a moment of it for granted.
Yes, it is difficult not being with Roree all day long and I miss her every second I’m away with her. Yes, waking up at 5am is really exhausting when I still nurse Roree throughout the night. Yes, getting organized and preplanning meals/outfits/lunches/time so that I am on time every morning is very tedious. And, yes, getting myself and a toddler fed and ready in the morning by myself without being consistently late all while not looking/feeling frazzled is a huge effort.
But, I am truly happy. I’m excited to go to work everyday. Excited about what the day will hold. I’ve even found myself disappointed on a Friday because I won’t be able to go in the next day (then I remember I can spend the day with Roree and it makes up for it.)
Not many people I know can say that.
And, well, it definitely helps to have two steady incomes. Freelancing was nice, but frankly, this is a lot nicer.
Though my weekdays are dedicated to work and prepping (Literally, I wake up, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, cook, play with Roree, prep for the next day, sleep, repeat) my weekends have been packed with fun things.
Most exciting of all? My brother moved back to Florida! I’ve been spending even more time (and plan to) with family lately because of this and because of the holidays. All four of The sibs got together for what may have been the first time we all managed to go out together. We had dinner at Carrabba’s and saw Catching Fire.
Dinner was delicious and fun, though, as usual when The Sibs hang out, I got picked on. I made the mistake of leaving my purse on the bathroom counter and had my sister watch it for me while I used the restroom. Both sisters ended up packing it full of paper towels and an entire bottle of soap without my knowledge, so I inadvertently stole it. I actually needed soap for my bathroom, so the joke is on you, Marissa and Taina! Well, and I guess, Carrabba’s, too.
The movie was great as expected. I’m have a bit of a girlcrush on Jennifer Lawrence.
Big brother and I took my niece, nephew and Roree to the Glazer Children’s museum earlier in the week. It was slightly chaotic, but very fun. The museum is pretty incredible and had plenty of stuff for all of the kids to do. Though, I dare say that hanging out in the park behind the museum may have been a tad more fun for Roree. She decided to be Miss Independent and roam around far from us. I let her because I always had a clear view of her and I didn’t see any immediate danger.
Thanksgiving was as fun as predicted. We ended up staying at my sister’s house almost all night. We sentimental meal on Friday at my house for the sole purpose of having fiendish amounts of leftovers. (Mission: Accomplished) I made the entire meal … After Black Friday shopping of course.
I boycotted going on Thanksgiving…I used to work in retail and I really think it is ridiculous to make those poor clerks work when they should be spending time with family…however, I have to say it was fantastic getting to Old Navy, then Walmart at 6am and it not being chaos.
JT is not a Black Friday fan, but there is something about it that makes it feel like Christmas season to me. And to answer your question, yes, I am overly sentimental. Tyler Durden would be ashamed of my consumer-driven ways.
In any case I scored big time at Old Navy. Everything was 50% off and I got Roree some much needed clothes along with myself a couple of dresses for work all while saving $127. I also stayed within my Black Friday Budget. Woot!
In the world of Roree, a lot has changed. She is suddenly SUCH a toddler now. She is walking all over the place, talking and signing a lot more, and, of course, throwing hilarious tantrums. Seriously, I have to try not to laugh sometimes when she gets mad. It definitely had been interesting. I feel like these toddler years are really my first taste at conscious parenting and shaping the person who she will become. When she was a newborn and infant it was mostly about meeting her needs and communicating to her through affection and attention.
Now, I’m explaining to her why we draw on paper and not on our legs (even though Aunt TT drew a smiley face on her toe) and showing her that I understand she is upset and frustrated, but it still isn’t nice to yank on the cat’s tail…and that I’m sorry but the book doesn’t open that way, you have to turn it if you want me to read it.
She is also showing off a lot more and doing things just for a laugh or round of applause. The kid cracks me and JT up.
All in all, though it is busy, life is good. Great, even. And I’m so thankful for it.
It has been quite awhile since I’ve updated and what better time than for good ole’ Turkey day? A day in which I have epic novels to write, but try to edit it down a bit.
Like Valentines Day, Thanksgiving is one of those holidays where I like to take a moment out of my hectic schedule to appreciate the things I am grateful for all year long.
I don’t scoff at giving thanks on this one day out of the year because I like to think that I appreciate all of these things the whole year through… it’s just nice to have a day dedicated to truly taking a moment to soak it all in. To realize just how good I have it.
I could easily make a list that is pages upon pages long (it may or may not consist of a couple CW shows), but instead I’ll keep it to just my Top 4:
I’m fairly certain no one on the planet has a family quite like mine. I talk about it constantly, but it is worth repeating, I am so grateful that I was born into a family full of my best friends. I love that when we get together, it is guaranteed to be entertaining. I love that they are all I need to be truly happy. I love that I truly know the meaning of unconditional love. I love that my daughter gets to grow up with these people around her. I love that JT fits in with those insane, but awesome family members so well.
And when I say “My family” I mean my little family as well. I’ve had so many Publix-commercial-sweet-family-moments, I’ve lost count. I live for the moments in which JT and I crack up laughing at the silly little girl who knows exactly how to wrap us tightly around her chubby little finger.
Not just in a because-it-pays-the-bills kind of way, but more in a because-I-have-to-pinch-myself-to-make-sure-this-isn’t-a-dream kind of way. I love the atmosphere, the setting and the incredible people I work with. This is the first time I’ve ever worked for someone I truly admired. I compare how I am inspired by her to how I was inspired by Kerstin when I first took her class, and we all know how that story ended. More than anything, though, I love that I managed to find a position that allows me to do absolutely everything I enjoy doing. From writing to designing and even photography and videography. I feel greatly appreciated and not at all overlooked, which is, in and of itself, amazing.
I must have been a freakin’ saint in another life to deserve the one I have now. Things are just imperfect enough to let me truly appreciate the abundance of good that is in my life. There are just enough road blocks and bumps on this journey to make me appreciate the scenery as I go. I’m lucky and I’m lucky that I know it…and am grateful for it.
It almost seems unfair that I should have such incredible friends when my family seems like more than enough for one person, and yet I do. Friends who inspire me, who move me, who motivate me, who are there for me, who I can go weeks (sometimes even months) without seeing in person and yet still connect. Friends who would do anything for me if I asked… and vice versa. Friends who negate all the other times I’ve been burned by toxic friendships. You know who you are – thank you for being the antidote. <#
This Thanksgiving, for me, is going to be nearly a week long and frankly, I’m OK with that.
Tomorrow I am heading to my sister’s house for a late Thanksgiving lunch, then hopefully heading to Haven’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. I, of course, am excited to spend time with The Fam, but also to see Haven. I’ve missed a lot of my momnerd friends since I started working full time again. It’ll be nice to spend some time with her!
Friday JT and I are having our own little Thanksgiving lunch at our house for the soul purpose of having leftovers. I may or may not do some Black Friday shopping… we’ll see. Roree does need some cold weather clothes and I need more work clothes, so… who knows!
Saturday we are heading to my parents’ house to have some ham and visit with my aunts and uncle.
There is a lot on my plate the rest of the week (har har), but I’m excited!
… and hopefully this is the beginning of a trend in actually updating my blog!
(But don’t count on it)
Pre-post Note: I’ll be posting Roree’s 1 year video separately. The videos take the longest to make and I haven’t gotten around to making it yet. Oops! Also, this will be the last monthly update on The Pretty Pirate, from now on, I’ll do yearly updates. Of course, it is inevitable that you’ll hear about her on this blog throughout the year, but this is the very last of the monthly updates. *tear*
The one year mark held a flurry of heavy expectations for me.
At this point, Roree should be able to:
Whenever Roree would wake up at night or nurse every couple of hours previously, I’d always shrug it off, blame it on teething or growth spurt or milestone and tell myself, “She’s only ___ months old, she’s still an infant.”
Now that she is a year, suddenly all those unrealistic expectations I’ve had are beginning to hover over my head. Maybe I’m not doing something right? Is she learning enough? Has she experienced enough? Did I nurse/hold/cuddle her too much?
Instinctually and intellectually I know that these are silly expectations and even sillier worries, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there.
Roree doesn’t walk yet, but she’s taken several steps on her own. She launches herself at me, JT, my parents and sisters with the sole purpose of grinning at us while we applaud her 4 or 5 steps, but she has no desire to walk on her own. She is perfectly content with crawling, cruising, climbing, standing and having us hold her hands while she walks for now.
She nurses anywhere between once every 2 – 6 hours, depending on how busy she is, whether I am around or not, if she needs comforting or if she is tired. She still nurses to sleep for most naps and nurses for almost an hour or more at night to fall asleep. She wakes anywhere from every 2 hours to every 4 per night to nurse. Her crib resides beside our bed, where she sleeps with the front panel down so that I can roll over and nurse her easily. Sometimes I just pull her into bed with me when my back is cramping and I’m sick of lying on my right side.
Her and I sit down for two meals a day together and one meal a day with JT (dinner)… occasionally grabbing snacks that we share through out the day. Sometimes she eats what I give her, sometimes she feeds it to the dogs. She has a sippy cup of water all day and at meals. Sometimes she drinks it, sometimes she spits it out and laughs.
Roree signs several words, a lot of them look the same (ball, more, milk, dog, eat, etc). She talks all day long while crawling and playing and climbing… I only understand about 10% of what she is babbling about, unless she is repeating a specific word over and over. Even then, it is only minimally coherent. Recently “Oh no” “dog” “ball” “mama” “dada” “meh (grandma)” “pop pop” “turtle” and “baby” have been her favorite words.
She’s tried different nut butters and has had strawberries in smoothies with no reactions. I, surprisingly, haven’t gotten around to giving her any honey yet, but I’m sure that will be fine, too.
I have yet to give her any other milk besides breastmilk, mostly because she still nurses fairly regularly, but also because I am so freaked out by cows milk and I haven’t really looked into what kind of milk (if any) I’ll be giving her if and when she needs it. I have a feeling she is going to be nursing for a long time… and I don’t mind.
Roree has 6 teeth. Two on the bottom that came in around 4 months and then 4 on top that popped all at once a couple months ago. She can eat almost any food by biting it with her front teeth and gumming it with her back gums. Sometimes I cut her food up for her, but most of the time I don’t as we did mostly baby led solids. The only mash she’s ever really had was homemade applesauce.
Am I worried? Hmm… not really… sometimes, maybe, but that comes with the job description. Am I proud of her? Absolutely.
To me, she is brilliant and strong, whether she walks or crawls. I’m happy that she is healthy and growing like a champ even if it is powered mostly by my milk and not so much solid food. Whether she sleeps 2 hours a night or 10, consecutively or staggered between epic nursing sessions… I’m just glad I get to wake up to her chubby cheeks and sweet, knowing smile.
This year has been incredible, life changing, challenging, exhausting, magical and heart-swelling. It has made me wish I had a time-controlling remote that would let me pause and repeat all those moments that made me wonder the possibility of being filled with so much gravity-defying love that I forget what it feels like to walk on solid ground.